I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
