ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
