and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Randomize
