Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
