my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
