New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
