I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
