i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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