Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
