this beer tastes like vomit already
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
COCAINE IS GR8
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
