Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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