She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
