but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
