hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
