Are we in a gay sports bar?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
