Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
