I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
