I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
