mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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