I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
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