I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
