if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
