he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
