A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
being pregnant is like rehab
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
