My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
This house was built for laser tag.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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