I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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