so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
