Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
