there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
