Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize