worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
