i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
