he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize