Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
