Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize