what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
