Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
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