so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
