Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize