Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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