My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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