the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
