Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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