My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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