Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
