final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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