Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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