There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
what the fuck happened to the tacos
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
