I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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