he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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