so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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