you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Just pee around me
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
