Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
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