i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
