Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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