I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
