Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
