there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I am puke
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
