I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
be right there i have to get my cape
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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