I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
