were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
