I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
