I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize